A Timely Reminder on the Matter of Strong Drink
® Brodie (in the United Kingdom) 23 Dec 2002 at 00:20 GMT

I think that at this festive time of year it is important to remind everyone of the properties of alcohol and how to recognize its effects. To this end, I append a minor chart on the subject:-

ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING:

SYMPTOM

Feet cold and wet.
FAULT
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM
Feet warm and wet.
FAULT
Improper bladder control.
ACTION
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM
Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT
Glass empty.
ACTION
Get someone to buy you another drink.

SYMPTOM
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT
You have fallen over backward.
ACTION
Have yourself lashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM
Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT
You have fallen forward.
ACTION
See above.

SYMPTOM
Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT
Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM
Floor blurred.
FAULT
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION
Get someone to buy you another drink.

SYMPTOM
Floor moving.
FAULT
You are being carried out.
ACTION
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM
Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT
Bar has closed.
ACTION
Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT
Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION
Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT
You are dancing on the table.
ACTION
Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM
Drink is crystal-clear.
FAULT
It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION
Punch him.

SYMPTOM
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT
You have been in a fight.
ACTION
Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM
Don't recognise anyone, don't recognise the room you're in.
FAULT
You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION
See if they have free alcohol.

SYMPTOM
Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT
The drink is too weak.
ACTION
Have more alcohol until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM
Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT
Drink is just right.
ACTION
Play air guitar.



On reading it again it just seems like an average night out with Satyricon or a day in the life of Chine.

Re: A Timely Reminder on the Matter of Strong Drink
® Lad (in the United Kingdom) 23 Dec 2002 at 00:24 GMT

Wonderful!!

Re: A Timely Reminder on the Matter of Strong Drink
® Graham (in the United Kingdom) 23 Dec 2002 at 00:27 GMT

Can't be chine, there's no mention of bus-shelters.

Re: A Timely Reminder on the Matter of Strong Drink
® Tintin (in the United Kingdom) 23 Dec 2002 at 00:30 GMT

Hehehehehhhhhhic!

Re: A Timely Reminder on the Matter of Strong Drink
® Satyricon (in the United Kingdom) 23 Dec 2002 at 02:36 GMT

I definitely recognise the "Everyone looks up to you and smiles." symptom - although I'm usually the cushy-looking bastard people fall on!

Re: A Timely Reminder on the Matter of Strong Drink
® Graham (in the United Kingdom) 23 Dec 2002 at 02:44 GMT

I recognise the 'floor moving' example very well. Unfortunately.

Where is the bit about 'You get home pissed, but your partner, who has not gone out, is completely sober'.
Someone PLEASE give me the answer to that.
I do not like the doghouse. [if you knew the HooliHounds, you'd know why]

Re: A Timely Reminder on the Matter of Strong Drink
® Satyricon (in the United Kingdom) 23 Dec 2002 at 02:46 GMT

I think the solution is to put vodka in the kettle before you go out, Graham ... he'll be ratarsed by the time you get in!

Re: A Timely Reminder on the Matter of Strong Drink
® TTG (in the United Kingdom) 23 Dec 2002 at 13:02 GMT

Christmas Lunch for Alchoholics..


1.Buy a turkey

2.Have a drink of whisky

3.Put turkey in the oven

4.Take another drink of whisky

5.Set the degrees to 375 oven

6.Take 3 whiskies of drink

7.Check to see if temperature is up to oven

8.Take 4 whiskies of drinky

9.Turk the bastey

10.Whisky another bottle of get

11.Stick a turkey in a thermometer

12.Glass yourself a pour of whisky

13.Bake the whisky for 4 hours

14.Open the oven door

15.Take the oven out of the turkey

16.Floor the turkey up off the pick

17.Turk the carvey

18.Get yourself another scottle of botch

19.Set the table and pour yourself a glass of turkey

20.Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

Re: A Timely Reminder on the Matter of Strong Drink
® Iceman (in the United Kingdom) 23 Dec 2002 at 17:00 GMT

that sound slike Christmas at my house and I'm left to sort everything out

still this year I'm going to try and teach my family that they don't have to buy cheap 2 quid wine